Today is a travel day as I head to Asheville, NC on someone else’s dime. I love destinations, but found the actual act of traveling ( i.e. being in any mode of transportation) to be a tad bit tedious. Below are a few ways I’ve found to make the travel days go a little better.
- Arrive to your gate before the rest of the crowds. If your flight is on Thursday at 6 am, arrive at the airport on Monday.
- While slowly progressing in the TSA queue, walk like a robot. When anyone asks what you are doing, answer in a staccato tone “I’m trying to get to Rigel seven!”
- Immediately upon passing the security checkpoint, get on your knees, kiss the ground and praise Allah. Conversely, you could spike your carry-on and shout “Touchdown!”
- Buy a porno magazine from Hudson News. Read it at the gate where everyone can see you.
- Ask random strangers at the airport what city you are currently in. When they answer, look confused and say “Noo…that can’t be right.” Run away looking distressed.
- When on the plane, call every flight attendant “Waitress”, regardless of gender.
- Buy a small bottle of liquor. Don’t drink it. Instead, use it as a prop in a seated version of “Jack and the Beanstalk”.
- Narrate the in-flight movie to anyone who hasn’t bothered to watch it.
- Every five minutes, ring the flight attendant. Ask “Are we there yet?”
- Repeatedly tell your seat mate how bored you are.
Later, as you make your one phone call after you’ve been arrested, you can regale your friends with your exploits.