If The Food Network Reflected Real Life

After all of my years on this planet, it still amazes me that people can’t tell the difference between what they see in real life and what they see on television. I’ve grown up believing that every channel found on the tube, cable or otherwise, was merely a distortion of reality. Sure, the degree of the distortion differed from channel to channel, but even the best channels could only reach a rough approximation of what is true.

This is also true of The Food Network, where reality often takes a back seat to what gets people to stay put on their channel.

If life reflected the Food Network…

  • All pantries would be fully stocked.
  • All stores and markets would stock even the most rarest of ingredients and products.
  • A cook would never burn themselves while cooking.
  • Every dish would come out right the first time.
  • No one would have to exercise, nor watch their weight, ever.
  • Every dish would taste amazing.
  • Cooking would never be interrupted by a phone call, a knock on the door, or a screaming child.
  • Every knife would be appropriately sharpened.
  • Everyone would own the best of equipment.
  • Every kitchen would have equipment for even the most obscure of cooking techniques.
  • All ovens would be precise in their temperature.
  • No one would have to clean the kitchen, as the interns would do it.
  • All music played in the kitchen would be light jazz.
  • Wine would be the world’s most popular beverage.
  • Everyone would have the time and energy to cook happily every day.
  • Restaurants would always be packed.
  • Restaurants would never have health issues.
  • Restaurant owners would never skimp on costs.
  • Fish can be bought with impunity, as there’s an endless supply.
  • Vegetarians would be statistically insignificant.
  • No one would ever hear of any cuisine that didn’t come from America, Western or Southern Europe, or Japan.
  • All meals could be made between 30 to 60 minutes.