Tag Archives: Humor

A Moment in History: Eggnog


Let’s go back in history, to 18th Century England.

IAN: Forsooth Kenneth! Look unto thine glass. I see it is empty!

KENNETH: Ay! It is Ian. Why dost thou point this out?

IAN: Me thinks that you look like you could use a glass milk.

KENNETH: Nay, Nay! Milk in an age before refrigeration? I thinketh not.

IAN: Refrigeration? What evil do you speaketh of? I knoweth not of this thing.

KENNETH: Tis not important. But resteth assured, I do not wish to partake of milk.

IAN: Not even if I were to mix…an EGG in it?

KENNETH: Are you insaneth? How much more unsanitary can you make this drink?

IAN: Looketh, tis not as bad as you believe. Why I shall take a drink myself to showeth you.

Ian takes a drink and grimaces.

IAN: BLECCHETH! That’s wretched.

KENNETH: See, I told you. Tis a nasty drink, not fit for a beast nor wench.

IAN: Perhaps if I add something. Let me checketh the pantry…

IAN rummages through the pantry, and finds cinnamon, sugar and nutmeg. Both Kenneth and IAN mix the spices in. Ian takes another drink.

IAN: YEEARCGH! It’s still a nasty brew!

KENNETH takes a swig, and makes a painful face.

KENNETH: Sweet Lord almighty! That tastes like the cream of a rancid swine! There’s only one thing that can save this drink.

KENNETH and IAN: BRANDY! Just like we add to all other beverages here in an era of questionable hygiene.

Brandy is added, and drinks are taken.

IAN: Say… this isn’t bad. But I think I can only stomach this once a year.

KENNETH: Hear, hear. Thank Christ for that!

IAN: I think I will.

And a tradition was born.

THE END?

Holiday Party Food Do’s and Dont’s

It’s the holidays. The chance to carry your favorite food dishes to various parties, celebrations and other festive get togethers. Below I have a list of rules of thumb to consider when planning on what food to take where.

- Do make something you’ve made before. Friends and party-goers should never be thought of as guinea pigs to your experimental chocolate covered green beans.

- Don’t skimp on quality hooch. 20 year old scotch? Yes! Mad Dog 20/20? NO!

- Do try to remain traditional. Easter Eggs are probably a tough sell for a Christmas Party.

- Don’t feel you have to please everyone. Call this the “Vegan” rule. There’s nothing worse than every dish at a party being vegan-conscious, when only 5% of the party-goers are vegans. And cookies without butter generally taste like cakes of sawdust.

- Do try things you have never tried before. How do you think things become a tradition in the first place?

- Don’t describe the new things you try as “interesting”. It’s an insult. Really.

- Do learn how to lie about dishes you hate. It’s the holdiays. Why ruin it just because Aunt Janet felt the urge to share with you her party salad of indeterminate origin? Consider the lie your gift to Aunt Janet.

- Don’t be the drunkest person in the room. That way you can say “Yeah, I was drunk, but at least I wasn’t as bad as Nancy! Sheesh!”

- Do leave room for dessert.

- Don’t worry about gaining weight. Save that thought for New Years Day.

- Do make cookies. It’s a wonderful return of investment. You can make 2 dozen, give them to your co-workers, and get 8 dozen in return.

- Don’t give anyone the Tollhouse Cookie recipe. They already have it.

- Do research wines before buying one for friends. If you unknowingly pick a crappy wine, you may insult your friends.

- Don’t buy your dishes from your local supermarket’s deli counter. We’ll know, and then we’ll talk about you behind your back.

- Do feel free to bring a sausage and cheese plate. They’re bite sized and tasty.

- Don’t use Kraft Slices as cheese. It’s simply a good year long practice. (I HATE KRAFT!)

- Do give out the recipe for the dishes you make for others. Witholding a recipe that you just made makes you look cruel. “Did you like the chocolate cake I made?”, “Oh yes, it was the best chocolate cake I ever had. Can I have the recipe?”. “Hell no”.

- Don’t make fruitcake. Even as a joke. It’s just not funny.