The Health Claims of Alcohol Companies

I’m not sure if I have the patience for alcohol companies who try to pimp their products with health claims (Note:PDF). Let’s get serious here for a moment – are there really people who stand in the liquor store comparing Grey Goose Vodka with Devotion Vodka, and go “Y’know, I need more protein in my life. Let’s go with Devotion.”

There’s a bit of a disconnect here with the marketers of these products, who seemingly fail to understand that whatever benefits may or (more likely) may not be gained by adding antioxidants to a strawberry liqueur, they are glossing over the basic premise of their product. Namely, alcohol is a poison. Yes, it’s a relatively inefficient one, but it is a poison nonetheless.

This is why I always do a bit of a facepalm when I hear people drinking light beer because it’s less in calories. Honestly, if it’s calories your worried about when you’re drinking, I can point you to a calorie-free drinking experience.

People, let’s face it. If you’re drinking alcohol, you’ve essentially already said “Fuck it, I don’t respect my body that much.” I’m not suggesting that everyone is seeking to pickle their liver, but as soon as you order your Pinot Noir or your pint of Guinness, you’re pretty much flipping off your doctor. It’s akin to going white water rafting on a Grade 5 river, and then ensuring your safety by wearing orthopedic shoes.

Let’s make a simple rule, shall we? In choosing your drink of choice, always go for the one that tastes better. Period. If an alcohol company feels so insecure in the taste of their product that they have to pimp whatever minimal health benefits their product may or may not be had, they simply aren’t worth your time. Using this guideline, let’s note the brands mentioned in the pdf I linked to in the first paragraph.

Michelob Ultra – rated a D- on Beerdavocate.com

MGD 64 – Rated a D on Beeradvocate.com

And any of the Vodkas mentioned? My position is that the only thing Vodka is good for is cleaning flesh wounds.

In my worldview, when it comes to drinking, choices should be made on taste. Companies trying to sell you on their health benefits are little more than hypocrites, ignoring the basic premise of alcohol. And consumers who buy into their spiel are little better. By all means, enjoy your cocktails, beer, or wine. But do not fool yourself. And don’t buy from people trying to fool you.